“Games people play” by Eric Berne

The author 🖋

Eric Berne was a prominent Canadian-born psychiatrist and bestselling author who served as an Army psychiatrist during World War II and later established a private practice in California.

He trained in psychiatry at Yale and was the creator of Transactional Analysis - a theory that explores how people interact based on different parts of their personality.

Key takeaways 🎓

1. Our three states of ego

Berne’s concept of Transactional Analysis details how everyone has three distinct ego states that influence our personality: the parent, the adult and the child.

The parent reflects internalized authority figures, the adult represents rational decision-making and the child represents emotional responses and creativity.

Recognizing which ego state we (and others) are operating from improves communication and relationships.

2. Games we play

Psychological games are repetitive patterns of interaction that people engage in unconsciously.

The author categorized the numerous “games” that we play in our daily lives to get what we want without saying it.

By learning to recognize these patterns (i.e. recognition-hunger), we can improve how we communicate and have healthier relationships with those that we care about.

3. Humans need intimacy

Berne believed that intimacy is the key to healthy, fulfilling relationships.

But intimacy involves being open, honest and vulnerable with another person therefore it requires moving beyond our ego states and having genuine, game-free interactions.

This involves saying what we really mean and listening to others (without hidden agendas).

Closing thoughts 🧠

The book is considered seminal work in psychology that explains how our need for recognition - which, according to the author, is a stronger need than most of our physical needs - often drives us to engage in psychological games which lead to unhealthy social interactions.

It encourages us to recognize and move beyond these games - those of us who choose to communicate more openly (without trying to trick each other), will have more authentic and healthier relationships.